


MERCS PARADISE: BLOOD ON HANSENS HANDS

by GilbyTheEngie



Category: Team Fortress 2, To Catch A Predator (TV)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Black Markets, Crimes & Criminals, Epic, Mercenaries, Mystery, Thriller
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26672503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GilbyTheEngie/pseuds/GilbyTheEngie
Summary: TF2 fanfiction. TF2 x Cris Hansen to catch a predator. chris handson. TF2 mercs and chris hanson fight pedofiles. Pedos die. Chris handsone.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 20





	1. MEET THE HANSEN

**Author's Note:**

> Chris hansen gets fired from NBC but who will stop pedos now. Featuring a special apperance of the TF2 Engie.

To any one else it was a normal day in the neighbor hood. Clear skys and chirping birds all around and suddenly as if out of no where comes a big double decker buss screeching down the road. Then unloading from the bus (you wont believe this crap) comes lines after lines of weird looking guys with that sketchy looking look, you know the one the unshaved beards the tretch coats and those gaping mouths that show a total lack of iq points. Another batch of pedos making there way to a underage girls house. Their mission, having sex with someone who is way way way way too young to do any thing about it, and before you know it the army of pedos is storming the house waving there cases of mikes hard lemonade and weezer albums. Little do they know tho they wont go un challenged. A pedo shreeking and thinking of all the illegal humping his about to do suddenly screams as POW, a big red hole appearing in his forehead. Slumping over he falls dead. And from the roof of the house…

“FINE SHOT MATE” its a australian waving his hand with a big ol brown hat on his head. The pedos roaring in protest as he chucks a jar of pee pee on them, soaking them big time and unfortunate for them this pee pee is from a full grown legal age man. Headshotting a few more but its no use theres too many pedos for Sniper to get them all. Hopping on his walky talky Sniper calls down to the other “OK mate theres a whole buggerin lot of them this is even worse then Gray mann those robots wanted to frick mann co and not kids”

“RUN THEY WONT GET ALL OF US” Shreeking the pedofiles burst into the house with their lips sogging and sagging with slobber from theyre hungry mouthes, they want some action and they want it bad, so much so that their going to leave behind their own to do it, sick totally sickening. But little do they know theres another suprise waiting for them, as soon as their turning the corner into the kitchen they see a middled aged man wearing a black soot sitting at the table eating a bowl of Capt. Crunch cereal brand cereal, hes not using milk too which is a little questionable but the pedos dont care about that, theyre wondering wear there little tasty girly girl is, whats this old nasty manly man doing here instead. Smirking smirkily he stands up and addresses the crowd of sobbering slobbering sad sacks of stupid slime and salive. “Hi all, mind telling me what youre doing in this house of a very underaged and unprotected and innocent girl.” The man asks and instantly all the pedos know who they are talking to, its the monster they checked under theyre beds for there hole lifes, its none other than Cris Hanson from the television series ‘To catch a predator’ and also maybe real life two. Suddenly the pedos all chiming in with the same tryed and true excuses

“Uhhhhhhh we were coming to tell her we couldnt come”

“I think we got the wrong adress Mr hansan”

“Uhhhh she told me she was 16. Uh 18”

Chris hansan snorted snortily wipes the Capt. crunch dust from his chin and lets it sprinkle to the ground and shakes his head. “Silly pedos you should know i wont fall for those tricks, now would you like to answer any more of my questions, if not your free to walk out that door”

“Mr hansan” the pedos say “where is the camra crew”

Chris hansan giggles to himself, oh these pedos really are that dumb, clearly the girls they want to frick are the same age as there iq points. Truth being that (you wont believe this crap) that long ago Chris humped (dirtily) a younger intern at NBC long time ago, causing him to lose his job, but it dont count as pedo because the intern was legal so its not like Chris is a pedo or anything, besides what pedofile eats Capt crunch, that would be totally unheard of, pedos eat weird crap like Reese puffs (peanut butter chocolat flavor). However cause of his departure of NBC Chris doesnt have camra crews or cops any more… but rather who ever he can find on the market.

“No camras today but how about a different kind of tripod.”

Suddenly “buildin a sentry” from the other side of the room is a texan man smacking a big butt gun with a wrench. The pedos roaring in protest start to swarm away but its too late as the gun chirps to life it starts blowing holes in the pedos like the whimpering stupid sacks of turds they are, and I do mean it the blood they pour every where looks like poop, probably from the mikes hard lemonaid screwing up there blood streams. 

“YEEEEEHAWWWW” the Engie says.

Its go time.


	2. MEET THE BLOOD BATH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys Gilby the Engie here to deliver another desicive episode of Merc's Paradise, Blood on Hansens hands. Sorry there was a highateus between the first and second chapters, life got busy unfortunately but hey at least theres some good news, a new girl is in my class and shes really pretty and cute (shes Asian, Japanese I think) and Ive been thinking of her alot. Any way thats enough about me, enjoy the Chapisode!

The gatling guns whirring and clicking as bullets are loaded in the pedofiles are gulping down the last drip drops of their Mike’s hard lemonaid because they know that it’ll be the last drink they ever get. Laughing manichally the Engine gives his sentry gun one more whack with the wrench and then boom, its go time, the the guns rore to life and start spewing bullets left and right up and down ripping holes into the nasty slickery pedofiles. Theyre bodies are turning into Swiss cheeses and not even the good kind of cheese either its really old and nasty. Organs are flying (body organs not the ones in churchs) and the windows are getting splattered and smattered with thick greasy blood, all the McDondals theyve been eating has made their blood itself turn into grease, real yucky. It cannot be under stated just how ugly and nasty these pedos are, no wonder they have to pray on innocent little girls cuz they know no real woman would ever stand for there filth. Suddenly as Engie is smirking he lets out a “wohah!” as he realizes that his sentry is out of ammo (ammounition). Before he can swing his wrench to refilling it the pedos are already scurrying ahead into the house, they want to find their fresh meat before theyre all turned into fresh meet if you get what Im saying.

“SHES GOTTA BE IN HERE SOMEWHERE” the pedos are running all about with their nasty smelly open toe sandals and its truly disgusting, their toe nails curling like green witchie nails you would of threw up if you saw it for yourself guess thats what a diet of Mcdonads and kiddie porn will do to you. Either way the pedos split up and some rushing into the bedroom the pedos find themselves looking at whats clearly a girls room if all the k pop posters (dont tell Medic) and girly cloths are doing, some of the pedos already stopping to sniff the panties revolting truly revolting. Suddenly the ward robe beginning to rumble “SHES IN THERE” as they fling the doors open, sad for them as theres no young piece of girl inside but a fat russian and some german guy inside what is this a multi culturalism wardrobe. “I AM FULLY CHARGE” the Medic suddenly says as the heavy finishes off his sandwich and the pedos screaming, how so badly they wanted a sweet slice of girly girl but no the only girl to be found here is sasha the gun. Now Heavy rolling out gets a sweet dose of ubercharge from the medic and soon (you wont believe this crap) the pedos are all gunned down on the floor. Heavy does the laugh taunt and medic seeing a k pop poster cringes but thats enough about them, lets see what the pedos are doing in the bathroom.

Bursting into the bathroom the pedos practically toring the door from its hinges thats how thirsty they are, thirsty for the flesh of a underaged girl and not for theri lemonade, even now they are drooling with lots of saliva and flem at the thought of her. Looking around the room they see lots of girl products like tampons pads and toilet paper and they get even thirstyer as they stuff the products into theyre pockets, vile. Suddenly theyre eyes land on the shower as they land on a silohete behind the curtain, the body is lith and limber like that of a under aged girls, nearby there are some cloths on the ground and the shower water is running, and just like that the pedos brains are filled with the fluids of pure lust. Barreling forward with there tongs hanging out and the pits sweety and sticky and their fat flabs flapping they reach forward and rip the curtain away. Only to be hit by (get ready for this) a wooden baseball bat right to the jaw, the sounds of a crowd cheering ring out as one of the pedos flyies limply into the ceiling leaving cracks and craters all around, it was a homerun. In horror the other pedofiles look back not to see the naked body of a young girl but instead to see the naked body of a young man instead, he is slim and fit and his thighs look as if they could blow up. “Nice hustle tonsafun, next time eat a salad!” the scout says as he rockets from the tub with his Sandman the bat raised and ready, the pedos run for the door but with a swing of the bat scout’s baseball flies ahead and shuts the door closed, now they are stuck in there with him. Smirking menacingly the scout does not even bother putting his pants back on as he heads to the batting range, touchdown.

The pedos keep scrambling about the house like gross child oggling eggs but who knows if there be stop so tune in next time in MERCS PARADISE: BLOOD ON HANSENS HANDS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry nightbeat I forgot the have Medic use the vita saw this chapisode I am so sorry


	3. MEET THE REST (OF THE TEAM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys Gilby the engie here to bring you another chapisode of Mercs paradise blood on Hansen's hands. In todays episode the mercs kill the rest of the pedos and you get to see the rest of the mercs too that werent shown in the last chapisodes, really cool stuff you wont believe this crap. Also a update on irl matters (in real live) that Asain girl is really really too super cutey cute to resist so I started talking to her, to impress her I actually learned some words in Japanese (my sister loves anime, she is kawaii, not like the state hawaii but the asian word for cute kawaii) and spoke it to her, though I think I mispronounced them because she said she couldnt understand, darn will have to work on my lengwistics. Anyway enjoy this fine chapisode.

The slaghter of the sickly pedofiles continue, but they wont stop at nothing, no not when theres still a chance for them to get a piece of that sweet young girly girl, as long as shes still around they will keep fighting it is horrible so horrible indeed. Now running into the londry room of the house they find the one there looking for there, the 13 year old girl the pedofiles have been looking for and she is changing right there from the fresh londry cloths as the pedos all gasp, theyre tongs rolling out of there mouths like fruit rollsup only gross and salive covered instead, again its a sight to behold if you like gross stuff that is. As the girl starts removing pants (get a load of this) the pedos start creeping up, then lying rinkly and prune smelling hands on her sholdiers, the drooly drool that drools from their frothy mouthes leeks all over the back of her shirt looking like a plumming accident. “Your so mature for your age” the pedos say and as the girl turns around instead of screaming or removing pants any more, she is now vanished from sight, what where the heck is she, now the peodfiles thirst is thristyer then ever that girl is so invisable for her age. Suddenly “Im afraid not” as the knifes start slinking into the backs of the pedos, blood pouring every where like a crimson buffay as the pedos know they fricked this one up big time and now instead of getting in there they will be getting in coffins instead as Spy back stabs the pedos one by one, if you had been there you would of laughed so loudly just like Chris hanson, he was laughing loud as he lissened from a hidden mike he placed under a leaf.

Blood is flying and gore and guts and orgons (body) are leaking every where coting the walls, as medic would say its “bloodbass” and yes it really is, the smell of vissera wofting into the air is over powering, so much so that some pedos are realizing that the girly girl they came for (in more ways than one) isnt worth the trouble after all. But like stupid lobsters they really fell into boiling water now so theres nothing to do except face the music (metafore). But like stupid people they dont want to except there bad karma and so they run and hide to try and escape the rath of the Toofort mercs. Into the garage they storm and begin hiding in places all around the place, under the car behind a shelf under a chair in the closet under the tool bored inside the car inside the cars trunk and every where else they can stuff thir fat flabby flaps. Still ringing out now are the sounds of carnege from the other parts of the house, the sounds of theyre fellow peds getting ripped to shreds by Engie and the other guys. They are shaking and quaking and snaking and some of them are even peeing thier pants to, yes the pedos are practicly over come with fear and terror as they realize just how hope less the sitch has become. But they are thinking that they can maybe weight it out, that the mercs and Cris hansen will leave and they can get outta of there and say there prayers to God and Jesus and put away ther sinful lives. But they thought wrong. Suddening a beeping coming from underneath there fat flabs, they look down to see red spiky sticky balls stuck underneath them flashing with bright red colors. Before they can even screem they are reduced to nothing but fine red paste and jiblets all over the walls. Cackling as he walks in is a dark man with one eye and an Irish accent, the Demo man is holding some kind of launcher and is laughing loudly. “Oh theyre gon ta haf ta gloo you back together… IN HECK”

Now the last of the pedos go runing from the house, pathetic so pathetic you can almost imagen how scare these sorry sappy saps are, very scared thats what, so sacred they dont even want to risk getting girly girls any more but are running from there lifes instead. Now all the mercs walking out of the house and start nailing boreds over the windows doors the back windows and any other entrees to the house, Chris hansin finishing up his Capt crunch cereal turns to a man in a ruber gas mask, he is playing with a botte of Mikes hard lemonaid like its a toy, put that down Pyro it is not for kids, “Now pyro” Chris says smirking smikrily “the cops will be here soon and with out nbc money I can not buy them out, we must destory the evidence.” Pyro nodding says some thing like mph mphhhh and begins to spew, hot flamey flams all over the house as pedos trapped inside start beeting on the windows and doors, but no use as of the boreds trapping them in, they squeel like pigs at slaghter as there suddenly a new typ of hot n bothered. Now the last of the pedos escaping onto the bus the mercs roar disapponted that even one greasy nasty knukle dragging peace of poo would get away, “now boys stand back and watch this” Chris grins with grinningness as from out of no where a demented man sores up with a big boom, a helmit over his eyes and whipping out a shuvel as the double decker bus is getting away

“SCREAMIN EAGLES” soldier screams with screaming joy

The pedos knowing whats comin for em look at there loli hentie phone back grounds one last time before soldier market gardens the double decker bus making it boom into refined medal and jiblets, the pedo killing spree and Chris hasens 1st pedo bust with the mercs is now over.


	4. MEET THE PAPA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again i was talking to the asian girl at shcool who tells me her name is Shu, not like the shoe type of shoe that you ware on youre feet but like Shu shu with the letter u on it, its hard to get at first but youll get it avantually but that is off topic, today I use the foreine language skills I learn from duolingo the free language lerning app, did you know that Komichewa is japonese for hello, well I did and i said it to shu this morning but she did not seem to like it and I was like dang. Things are sure to be looking up soon and I mean looking up so high that its hiher then the sky thats how high its gonna be looking up, shu would be a exellent girlfreind I know it i just know it.

Piled into Ms Paulings purple Honda corolla (it looks like Warios car from wario land 4) all the mercs are piled into the back seat as Ms Pauly pulls away from the burning sting house filled to the brim with flamey dead remains of sick pedos, sitting in the front seat is Cris hansone wiping a bit of Capt Crunch dust from his chin and onto the leather apolstry of the chair that he is sitting on. In the back seat scout is bickering about not getting to sit next to Ms P Soldier is cleaning blood off his shovel Pryo is watching the clouds roll by the window like a mezmerized kid Demo is loading pills into his sticky launcher Heavy is eating a sandwich Engie is rancho relaxin and sipping a alcohol Medic is looking at complicated medical charts sniper is peeing and Spy is drinking some fancy drink and reading a book like hes all that, well spy your pretty cool but don’t get so full of your self ok. “You guys what you just did was not ok ok” Mrs Pauling says iratatedly as she pulls onto the highway, “the administrator is really going to loose her marbles if she finds out you guys breached contract like this ok” “Dont worry Ms P Chris Hasnen says smartly “I dont have NBC money anymore but I do have my knowledge so dont worry about the admin, Ill talk her out of it if need be.” Ms Pauling rolling her eyes “Look Ive seen your show, it wasnt even that good ok, but you cant be doing these kinds of things, its too public our hole operation might be exposed, just dont kill any body again off contract ok, even if there pedos.” Ms Paulins says as she pulls into the parking lot of the nearby Papa John’s pizzaria.

Now entering Papa johns (get a load of this) all the workers roll theyre eyes when they see the mercs come in, as if whats abuot to happen is gonna be a big big pain in there butts, well the reason for that is it is, it is goin be a big pains in the butt cause all the mercs are hungry for Papa johns pizza, tummies rumbling grumbling and entestanal tracks fumbling and best part is Miss pallings bringing her coopons too. Now one by one all the mercs are walking up to the counter ready for ooy gooy cheeze and yummy yummy saucy sauce on delisicious dough in their bellys so now they all start to order a personal pizza and not even a persenal pan pizza but like a big butt reguler pizza cause mercs gotta eat after all.

1\. Scout orders meat lovers pizza and its true he loves the meat he loves it  
2\. Solider gets bacon and ham pizza in honer of the Bay of pigs invasion  
3\. Pyro orders his piza well done and than sets it on fire  
4\. Demo man gets haggies pizza (sheeps lungs and weener) its a scotch thing.  
5\. Heavy gets plain cheeze and puts choped sandvich on top  
6\. Engie gets Meskeet bbq pizza like a baws  
7\. Medic skips pizza cause its not healthy (he gets mozerela sticks).  
8\. Sniper has cheeze bread instead of pizza for no reason  
9\. Spy has pizza and cigarets

Now all the pizas roll out of the oven the mercs are so happy. Mean while Miss Pauling and Criss hansin share a callzone and sit in booth far far away from the other mercs “You didnt tell them about whats happening between us did you” Miss P wispers to the Hansone who smirks smirkily in reply, knowing he wold never tell no not never, not since the last time he had a work place relation ship when he humped (dirtily) the intern from NBC, it unfairly costed him his job, what a load of bull poop. “No dearest pauling noone will ever know,” as they both bite into there Papa johns callzone and its like heathen in there mouths, ooy gooy cheezy goodness.

So all the mercs are chomping down and feasting and eating and biting down into theri pizzas and enjoying a delishous meal after a long hard day of pedo slauter, every thing seems to be going so well for them but that just couldnt last now could it, as through the doors in walks a short man with greasy grease skin and hair and a red shirt and greasy hair and a yellow smile, pizza sauce is drippling from the edges of his mouth as the door closes behind him and he smirks badly. It is Papa John Schnadder of Papa John’s fame who was fired from his own business chain after being caught being racist towards his fellow African americans, yes it really happened and unlike Chris Handsen this one was deserved, stupid stinky ugly greasy racist piece of poopy poop. Any way hes back and all the mercs immediately turn and glare as he walks up to them with evilness intent (hes about to say something bad). “Enjoying the pizza?” John Shnadder says with nastyness and evil, the mercs just keep staring at him and then he locks eyes with Demo man, specifically his skin which is dark and not white like John’s. (Uh oh, this is bad) uh oh this is bad, “Why hello there Travis DeGroot, my good old (this part is censored but Ill just let you know that Papa John said the word that starts with the letter after M word).” A big gasp cries out from the resterant as Soldier stands rising his shovel “John Schadder you maggot, you cant call my friend the Demoman names like that, that is RACIST” and prepares to bring the spade down on him but demo raises his hand and Soldier steps back. “Doont worry Solly, Ill give this laddie what he really deserves” From underneath the table demo withdraws his Eyelander great sword a really long sword stained with rust and blood, using the pizza tray as a shield he charges forward right at Papa John and yells out a trembling “heres yer day of reckoning!” as he brings down the sword right onto Shnadder’s neck beheading him instnatly and spraying thick greasy blood all over the place. Cheers are herd from around the room as Demo wipes his blade cleans and returns to the table.

Then they finished theire pizzas, they were real good


	5. MEET THE WIZARD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys Gilby the Engine here with another chapisode of Mercs Paradise Blood on, Hansens' hands. So today the mercs meet Merasumus the wizerd and learn that he is also a pedofile, uh oh. Anyway so back to irl matters (in real life) Ive started talking to Shu more and oh my goodness she is so adorbally adorbs, she is so cute and I really think Im starting to think of her as more than a friend. I tried to learn some more Japanes by watching anime with Skyler (another friend, shes really into it its kinda weird) but Shu seems offended every time I try to speak to her in her native language, what am I doing wrong??? Shu if you are reading this please tell me am I misprononcing the words? I just want to speak Japenese like you please help, anyway guys enjoy the chapisode.

Now driving away form Papa johns the whole team of mercs rides along like they own the place now waht is up with that smug attatude, maybe its cause of the radio show playing on Miss pallings speakers a big manly man on the radio reports the so sad and untimly death of Papa john who was finded with a sevvered head and gresy bloody blod al over the place, the coppers say the cause of death was hart dasease, also the last words of Papa before his decepitacated head finally died was the n word again, what a racist peace of smelly poopy poop. But thats neither here or ther as driving down the road now seeing some thing new happening the mercs gasp in shockedness and shock and other things, Ms polling and Chris hansown stop making out up front for 2 seconds to see it, on the strets is a strange man with a dress or some thing and a big ol skull helmet (goat skull not human skull). Whats more (you wont believe this crap) the mistrious wizerd gos up to a 13 yo girl his tong hanging out and drippin spitty spit all over, another pedo horn dog trying to get himself a slice, well its not happening, not now not ever if you wanna slice go to Papa johns for a slice of pizza and not a slice of littel girl butt.

“Holy heck its Marasmus” Solder says “And i thaught him spawning 20 times on a single Ghost fort match was bad enough now hes trying to hump kids that is messed up so messed up”

“BEHOLD” the wizard proclaims loudly for the hole world to hear “MERASMUS THE WIZERD HAS COME FOR YOURE VIRGINITY” and like that the mage is reaching forward to scoop up the little girl is so shocked by the site she cant not even speak, wow she is speachless. But bursting out of Ms Paulins Honda corolla is all nine mercs including Engie and Chris Hanesen, they are all looking angry and POd (peed off), speaking of pee Merasmes is peeing his pants seeing Chris walking up to him and saying “now Mr wizard, care to explain what your doing with that underaged girl?” Merasmuss eyes go wide and even the eyes on his skull hat go wide to as they know they are in big trouble, uh oh is it time for another trip to the big slammer? (last time he went it was for drug traficking). “Uhhhhh Merasmus the wizerd can explain himself!” says the warlok and rising his long hard staff a bunch of magic is spewing from the end, spewing all over the little girl until she is soaked from head to toe and suddenly her body begins to change, she grows taller and her pimples pop and some body parts get a little bigger (you know the ones) and her braces pop out and the mercs gasp again, the thriteen year old is now suddenly looking like she is eight teen, aka no longer underaged. “Soooo Mr Hansen, as you can see this woman is most certainly not underaged,” Merasmis says smuggly “now I am doing nothing illegal and or morally questienable. Therefore Merasmus is innocent and you can leave me along now!”

“Well dang” Chris hanson says as he walks close to Merasmos and his new legal age girl friend of 18 years old, taking a close look (not at the wizerds pee soaked trousers but at the girl) sure enuogh this girl is as legal as legal gets, turned to a real life adult in a matter of minites, wow i wish that could of happened to me, being a kid is real load of bull hockey, its so bull hockey. “Young girl can I see youre ID (identafication)” Chris says and the girl pulls out her Id saying her age is 13 but with a wave of Marasmusses extra long staff the number quick changes to 18 dang Chris you almost had him. Theres no case here, yes no case at all and Meramsus is innosent cause this girl is now legal, “Lets get going boys this busts a bust” Ms pauling says and Merasmus winking “Ohoho the busting comes later actually” that is so disgusting gross so fricking gross, what a peace of human slime. Now all piling back into the Honda corola the Engie stealthily sets up a sentry with stealth but with a camra instead of a gun. Now with all the mercs back turned the wizerd turns the girl 13 again and begins to disrobe and take of his cloths, big mistake Maramsus as the engie saw everthing and speaking of which get him some Clorrox bleach for his eyes quick, the last time the texas man saw this much wiener it was on Demomans pizza.

“Aw hell” engie says then beans the wizerd on the head with his wrench, its go time


	6. MEET THE BEATDOWN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, Gilby the engie here, whats poppin crew cause Im poppin off like a Medic poppin uber on Badwater basin, except for one thing Im not poppin off cause the wrong person won the presidents election, its so bull hockey again I say it total total bull hockey. What the frick did these people mix up the ballets, you picked the wrong JOE cause we want Joe jorgeson as the pres in the big house (white house, not jail) and not Joe biden he is a smelly smelly old grandpa who smells. Remeber folks both sides bad and next time pick Jo jorgasen for the big house (not jail but the White house again I say it)

“AUGH” Merasmus screaming as he flies back from the force of Engies wrech wack, dang that boys got a strong arm on him, growling all the Mercs are retrieving their weps from Ms Palling’s Honda corolla and Chris handom pulls out a camra to record the pure thrashin that is about to take place. With a wack of the wrench Engi-neer’s camra sentry turns back into a gun sentry and it is blasting away at Merasmums naked butt blowing big holes in his chest and flesh and chest flesh, nasty. Solder rocket-jumping in grabs the littlegirl that Merasmus was about to hump and uses the BASED jumper to fly away “Don’t worry my little patriot” Solly says “we’re going to make that maggot pay for picking on you!” and yes they are really going to town on him. Scout is wapping Merasmus over the head with his bat Soldier is firing rockets Pyro shooting flares Demo demolitioning and shooting pills like a pharicist, Heavy and Medic are ubbered and firing away sniper is sniping and spy is backstabbing Meramasum but all this is too weak, Mersasmu simply has too much HP (hit/health/heart/hurt points, take your pick). Scowling and sneering he beans Scout and Spy and Sniper and Medic with his long staff and puts his clothes back on “FOOLS” he says with angry “YOU MAY HAVE EXPOSED MERASMUS, BUT I WILL SHOW YOU THAT I AM ALSO GOOD AT EXPOSING MYSELF!” And with a wave of his staff some magic appears with fiery explosions, fireballs raining down on the mercs and jars of sniper’s peepee, wait where did he get that? Well anyway its nasty and all the mercs are choking and vomiting because its so stinky and yellow (except Scout, maybe he’s into that?) Merasmus laughing thinks hes one but he doesnt see Ms Pauling coming in with her double deringers and blasting holes into his butt. Merasmus screams with louding as he rockets up and bleeds from his butt, dang who new such small guns could do so much damage? and ms Pauling leaning over gives Chris Handsen a smack on the lips even though they are covered in pee, uhhhhh...

“BEHOLD” Maramsus says as he has clearly had enuough of this non sense, not me tho as I could do this all day writing the story is the GOAT (not literal goat but the Greatest Of All Time) as out of nowhere Mesmarsus pulls out his trump card. Now it is not Donald trump coming from his Trump card but instead the wizerds one eyed monster and by god all mighty this thing is huge, the evil eye monster called MONOCULUS that the boys n girls of Hallaween tf2 have groan to hate and fear, how ever the mercs are not scared, their never scared nothing scares them accept for being out of Papa johns pizza that would be awful. “NOW SUFFER UNDER MONOLOCUS FOOL!” as the Monaclus starts blasting like its Black friday in the hood (read about it in the news its scary scary stuff). The meds all duck for cover but then the Demoman says “oi laddie” and Moloculus stops firing. “The heck you want g” says Monocules as the Demo man tosses the giant eye monster a steaming hot ooy gooy cheezy slice of that delish Papa johns pizza (with all the haggies scraped off, its a scotch thing). Wow Monoculus loves that peetz, its so ooy and gooy and crazy thing is Monoculas (get a load of this) doesnt even have a mouth but he eats it any way, thats how ooy and gooy it is. “Now get that pedo Marasmus off our butts laddie” and the one eye monster launches a fat load (of bombs) all over the wizerd making him scream in surprise, dang thats crazy and then the police sirens start.

“CRUD” Cris Hansen says as he unlocks his lips from Ms Paulings and his eyes going wide, he would know that sound anywhere. “Uh guys we gotta go, vigilatne justice is against the law.” Chris says and Ms Paling nods in agreement so as Monclus deals with Marascamum the Spy pulls out a cardboard box and all the mercs pile in underneath it, its a tight squeeze because Heavy is fat but they manage to get everyone in there just as the coppers roll up in their big black shiny police cruizers, Monoculus goes wide eyed and with a “oh gotta go G” he evaporates into magic dust leaving just the almost naked Merasmus alone as a copper with a big bushy mustache comes tromping out. “Hey wise guy,” he says as Merasmuc shaking in fear “you know public indecendy is against the law yeah? Also are you the one who burned down the house down the street” Merasmus tries to answer but unfortunately he has Tourettes so he says “YES” instead of “NO” like he meant to say and with a smirking the coppers pull out some cuffs “Yep Mermac youree going back to the big house, guess you need a couple more years to learn your lesson.” Merasmums sweating blurts out “FOOLS, I HAVE A LAWYER” and with a wave of his long staff the Headless Horseless Heartles heatless horseless headman horseman comes out from the ground with a suit and a briefcase, he’s ready to conduct business but upon seeing Merasmus covered in pee he already knows this case is lost and walks off, Merasmus screaming as he is cuffed and stuffed into the police cruiser, yep back to the slammer for that creep. 

good job mercs, justice prevails again.


	7. MEET THE BAD GUYS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all Gilby the engie here with a new chapisode thats so explosive it'll make the Demo man wish he could shoot new chapisodes out of his sticky bomb launcher, thats how explosive it is so explosive. Anyway for the real life news update I think pretty soon I will go on a cute date with my real life crush Shu who is hugely cute amounts of cute, wow you would not believe it she is like Ms palling in real life but asian instead (chinese not japanese for future reference). My freind Skyler says Shu will say yes if I ask her, hope she likes Papa johns haha (the pizza not the person, the person said the letter that comes after m word, not kosher.) Enjoy the chapisode, Gilby out

Its a lovely day in Toofort also knowed as the city wear the game of TF2 takes place (lore things read the comic) and all around are boys girls men ladys old ladys and grampas and most of all sorts of mercs from all over the wolrd, what you should know (you wont believe this crap) this place is a mercs hotspot, its where all the mercs com to do merc things you could even call its a MERCS PARADISE and in this place theirs BLOOD ON HANSENS HANDS form all the pedo killing merc work done by the Red team. Ok so basically walking down the stret is a frendly Hoovy wearing Pyro vision goggels and a gibbus holding a sandvich, awwww so cute its so cute you wont believe how cut is it, wait from behind comes a lime scunt (not a cuss, there’s an s) waddling along, bro are you ok are you holding in a fat turd or somethin. Then uncloaking it is the evil Blu Spy, the Hoovy whiping around "I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE", to late as the knife sinks in, bam the Hoovies dead. Frendly killing try hard, why do they try so hard dont you know TF2 is a casual game bro, anyway the Blue sky hoh hoh hoohing and smokeing cigerat walks into a bust down Papa johns with a sign saying Blu Base, no ooy gooy cheezy pizzas coming from here only evil evil things indeed. Now lets meet the Blu team and see what evil plans their up to.

“Vat is goin on my commrads?” Blu spy saying to the crowd, its really dark in the Blue base (theyre poor so they can’t pay the lighting bill and also the lights are borken) so most of the members are in silloettes but stepping into the light is Merasmum the wizard his hands still cuffied in police cuffs and now with pee soaked in his clothes. “Merasmus the wizerd needs bail money” he says with sighing and Blu Spy laughs and then does the “buy a life taunt” (this is where he throws money on the floor) and Merasmus groans as he gets down on his kneeds to pick up the cash and shove it into his pee-stinking pockets, wow will the coppers even accept that, maybe not depends on if they’ve had theyre Dunky donuts today or not. “Oh you plediens” says a shadow walking out from the shadows, when the light hits him it reveals a old gray haired and gray suited man with old flabby skin and dentures and a wierd machine strapped to his back with a gold bar inside it, who could this be? “Ah Gray Mann the ower of Gray Gravel Co and the main antagonist of the Man v. machine mode,” Blu spy saids matter-of-factly, “good to see you again, still fighting the mercs with your little tinker toys?” Gray Man skowling rips the cig from Blu Spys mouth and sticks it in his but then coughs because hes old and has lung cancer so he gives it back to spy. “No that was a massive waste of time and money I decided, my assistant here helped me turn them into something much more useful” and as if right on que stepping out from the shadows is…. Engie????? But it’s not Egine, its a engie with a unusual hat and gold aussie wrench, wait, is that?! “Dispenser goin’ up!”

Now a whistly tune playing as the dispenser gets builded, the camra zooming in to the dispenser at the same time, guess who it is cmon guess, give up, well sure enough its Uncle dane the engie main as seen on Youtube dot com, holy heckums I love that guy like LOVE love him just not in a gay way im straight so so straight. Now Uncle dane comming up to Blu spy smiles saying “Ah yes Mr spy I was just doing improvings on Grey manns life extender machin, now with a veagra adder to help with his ED, fun fact i also have ED but mine means engineering degree” the Blu spy honh honhhing and blowing smok “Ah yes we do need Gray mann to be fertil when he goes to Chris handsons sting house to get that little girly girl” meaning its revealed that the blue team is filled to the brim with pedos, thats right they are the main villains of the story. “Nice hussle hard hat, wanna upgrade me with that rench?” says Scout but not scout, its scout with a skirt and you know what it is the fem scout of fame but Uncle dan not wanting a peace beans her on the head with his silver You tube play button, oooooooowned. “Dont worry Blu spy” Gray mann smirking smirkly “me and the rest of the blu team support youre plans 100 per cent” and the camra zooms out, there are five more dark figures at the table (dark like siloutettes, not like Demo man but they could be like demo man who knows.) So strange, five people who could they be, one barking on four legs and wagging a tail and barking, very misterious but the others even darker and harder to see, pay the Papas light bill already.

Blu spy grining “Ah yes the plans… to destroy them from the in side” and the whole Blue team laughs with evil and does a evil conga, fricked up.

Outside another hoovy sees the friendly hoovy corpse and spams the help voice line.


	8. MEET THE MANN (AND THE MACHINES)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whats up every body Gilby the engie here flying thru like a Solder rocketing past with his Profesional air strike, wow look at that rollout that crap is clean as frick. Anyway today Gilbies got important life lessen for you, I swinged by the local Marathon gas mart for some snacks and they had alot of snacks, gummys gummy worms gummy bears gummy peaches cheese its pretsels soda pops reese cups root beer and more, I went to get one box of Capt crunch for my bed room and had exact change of three doller and 99 cents but forgot to bring change for tax. Dang taxes are ruining this cuntry, its rotten so rotten that the gov can steal our hard urned money, Joe biddens going to make it even more rottenly rotten and my parents told me this, dang should of elected Jo jorganson, oh well.

Bursting down the door with a reved mini gun is Heavy and medic bursting down the door of another sting house where a pedo is sure to lay in wait, Chris Hansen breifed them about the mission before hand in Ms. Pallings honda corolla (the screen is going wooshy and wavey because this is a flashback.). “Now guys this bust should be a peace of cake compared to the last one” Cris said smirking smirkly “No army of nasty sick slick slickery sickery pedos to mow down, just one this time at least from what my ‘insider’ source tells me.” (screen wooshing back to the present) but when Heavy and Medic and all the other mercs looking inside the house they don’t see anything to speak of, no nasty pedo grease residoo or cans of Mike’s hard lemonade, just a normal looking house. “Vat is zis?” says Medic in german “Vere we tricked, did ze Hansen pull a prank on us??” “Nah doc,” saying Scout with uppity energy “Chris ain’t nevah wouldve lied to us, that pedo punk is prolly just hiding somewhere.” The mercs noddiing at Scout’s surprising show of intellgense start to scan the house for the hiding pedo, looking under tables and chairs and in drawers and under drawers and in the sink and on lamps and under the couch and under the big comfy leather chair that was almost big enough to fit Heavy in it (almost). But they couldnt find anything at least not yet. But then coming from the one room they hadnt checked was a shreek and a evil laugh, Engie was the first to bust open the door with his rench raised.

“BIG DANG ROBOTS”

But its too late, jumping the jumpy mercs come robots jumping in, thats right the evil no good nasty robots of the evil Gray mann, wait if he is Gray man why is he on Blue team and why are the robots blue, that makes no sense at all. Doesnt matter cause (you wont believe this crap) those bots are actin fast to subdo and pin down each of the mercs:

1\. Scouts ball is stealed (he loves his ball) and has no choose but to surender  
2\. Solly gets PTSD war flash backs when they fire guns (no wooshy effect for these flashbacks just shreeking)  
3\. Pyro gets hipnotised when the robots turn on near by stove (fire fetish)  
4\. Demo is bribed with haggies pizza, you know what it is by now  
5\. Heavy gets pushed into lether chair and his fat butt is stuck.  
6\. Engies goggles are ripped away blinding him  
7\. Medic notises how fat Heavies butt is in the chair, um……  
8\. Sniper throws jarate but misses soking himself with pee pee  
9\. Spy cloaks and vanishes, oh shick, does he have a plan.

“Ah yes mercs” Gray mann snorting and snikering “it is too late, I all ready found the underage girl here at Hannsons sting house!” now reaching behind him and pulling her out, its Ms palling the mercs boss and also the one who drives the Honda corolla (purple like Warios car). “Aw geez thats my girl friend!” Scout yells, now the other mercs tihinking (Jepoardy music) wait… if Ms paulin looks under age and Scout thinks she cute does that mean…?

“Scout” Engie saying matter o factly “are you pedo.”

Scouts pupils go shrinking to pin priccs (not a cuss) as the other mercs and even the robots are looking at him with discust, Ms Palling just rolls her eyes though as she pulls out her drivers license “I am not underage, I’m twenty four years old,” Ms. Paulling says and then its Gray Mann’s turn to be disgust “T-t-t-twenty f-f-f-f-f-f” Clutching his chest he goes stumbling back and falling on to the couch like some one in therapy, well thats where he aught to be because all pedos need serious help. “I cant believe it… your so mature for your age!” Gray mann starts gagging and the robots rush over to him to administer his insulin, yeah he has diabetus, tragic stuff. Thankfully this is the opportunity the mercs needed, prying his fat butt checks from the leather chair heavy grabs his minigun and roars snapping Medic out of his trance. Together they activate the Critscraig and start mowing robots down like theyre grass and the minigun is a lawn mower. Scout jumping up grabs his ball and throws it at a robot heavy knocking its head off like a empty soda can, sniper rips off his pee soaked clothes and throws them at a crowd of robots to get the pee droplets on them, then he goes to town with the bushwacker. And all the other mercs do things too but in the chaos its too hard to describe. Thankfully Ms. Palling is taken out of the action by Chris who was watching everything through a camera in Scouts hat (he knew it would come in handy), they share a smooch as Gray mann still gagging on the couch, appalled that he almost copulated with a woman over the age of 12.

Nearby a shadow siloughet is watching with a distinctly spy shaped frame who could it be?


	9. MEET THE DISASTER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys Gilby the engie here with a brand new chapisode of Mercs Paradise Blood on Hansens Hands, in today's episode something bad happens but I dont want to spoil anything (laughs evilly like Engie does in his one taunt), any way funny story about this week. So I was on a trade server trying to get some hats for my loadouts (dont get me wrong stock is cool but I gotta drip out if you know what im saying) and I met some guy who was saying that he was Array Seven, yes the real one the YouTuber medic. This guy was pretty accurate but he was playing Heavy and I know that the real Array seven would never betray his idal the medic, so to show this imposter whos boss I went engie and built a sentry at his spawn, he started raging on voice chat but I just laughed and called him a noob and he said he would report me and get his subscribers to go after me but I just laughed again, evilly like Engie does. Eventually he left and I was satisfyed, take that poser. Anyway enjoy the chapisode

The chapisode begin with Cris handsen tieing up Gray man (rope) as his hidden camras all around film the insadent, Grey mann spetting and hissing and howling and moaning saying hes not a pedo and he should be released. “Hands off Hanson a frale old gent like me ott to walk away scot free!” Nearby Demo scofs (he’s scottish) and beans Gray across the head with his bottel o’ skrumpie and with a big crash Grays on the floor and not even from diabetus this time. Bad bad news for nasty nasty Grey mann as his bots dont even come to help, thats right they know there on camra and do not want to be impliset. “Now mercs” Chris hansen finishing off his Capn crunch (yummy) “it’s hard for me to focus without my double C, care to get me a refill.” One of the red mercs (don’t know who) takes the bowl and strats walking to kichen and bump into a shadow monster man with a spy shape body. The red merc (still secret) screams, its the Blu Spy! “BLU SPY!” they scream and the spy walks closer, oh its just the smug smirking Red spy smirking smirkly as he does and smoking cigarat. “Oh thank gosh its Red spy, the blue light bulb above us made me think you were Blu spy” Red spy says but of course then swishes around… BACKSTAB as the Red merc hits the ground, now doing the laugh taunt it is revealed that Red spy was just Blue spy with disgise all along??? Now taking the sleeping red merc with him (who is it?) and walking away, honh honhhing and snorting all the while, weirdo the Red spy is nothing like this creepy little creep makes me want to throw up.

Coming out of the bathroom nearby is the actual red spy (he just needed to peepee) and when he sees the bloodstain on the floor he immediately panicking running out to the crowd who are standing over Gray mann and calling him a discord admin, whatever that means. “GENTLEMAN” Red spy shouts “A DISASTER HAS BEFALLEN US” and gasping all the mercs walk into the kitchen and Chris cries out in horror “No… it cant be!!!!” and running forward he grabs the box of Capt Crunch and tips it over, only crums fall out. “WHO ATE THE REST OF THE CRUNCH.” He roars in dismay and Ms Palling coming over to rub his shoulder sensuly and whispering into his ear saying they have more crunch at home, that made him fee better. But Red Spy now scowling saying “you imbecile, something has gone horriblely wrong!” he shouts and everyone looks at him with confusion. “Look at the blood on the floor, zis is clearly the sign of an attack zat has taken place!” Pointing up a finger like the primy princey kind of guy Spy is hes looking around at everyone, lets see Scout Solly Pyro Demo Heavy Engie Medic Sniper and Spy, and Ms Paulin and Chris too but there not mercs, looks like everyone is still here. “Uh Spy you okay buddy,” Scout asking with an eye brow rised “dat aint blood dat’s just my coolaid.” he says and walks over to the ground where a pounch of Kool aid drink is spilled over spilling the red lickwid onto the floor. “Crooton maggot stop making a ruckus” Soldier says with anger. “Youve distracted us for long enough, now lets go back to check on Gray Mann and get him to the police.” All nodding they walk back into the living room to find a terrible sight: Gray mann on the floor with his throat slished and slashed open, real blood spilling onto the floor (not cool aid). The robots are all dead to they were unplugged from the wall socket.

Now all the mercs screaming in horror and fear as the camra zooms out, the camra zooming out in the corner of the room as Uncle dane watches thru the camra and laughs, it goes sorta like Haar haaa ha, ha ha, cough cough cough. Behind him is the dark face of Fem scout (even tho the Blu base lights are still broke the Miami lights unusual on Danes head makes her face seeable). “What the heck was that crap!?” Femscout looking with more closeness and gets closer “you spent like aaallll week upgrading his austrailium life extender machine just so Blu spy could kill him!” The funky unkie twittles his mustashe, “Ah so you think Femmy but notice this new gold n shiny shene on my Aussie rench, yeah thats right I used the australium to upgrade my aussie rench to a Golden rench” Femscout rolling her eyes “You waste it all on that?” Uncle dane the engie mane frowns “no not all of it” then pulls out his new n improve Golden youtube play button and beans her on the head again, OOOWWWWNNNEEDD. “Femscout we wanted Grey dead for a long time, how could someone name Gray be on Blu team think about it, it makes no sense no sense at all. Good thing his diabetus makes good destraction for Glorioeus leader Blue spy, who has now REPLACED one of the Red mercs in secret…”

“Dang that’s crazy” Femscout says.

\------

Some time later Uncle dan goes to flower gardin behind the busted up Papa johns they call the Blu base and waters the flowers the daisys tulips roses lilacs blue roses and more. “Don’t worry ol pal” Dane sheeding a tear “I will make you proud”, now lying a slice of Papas peetser on the grave stone next to the Aussie blutsogger, the grave stone saying Array seven in big letters.

Wow, looks like Red teams got some feirce competetion….


	10. MEET THE MYSTERY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whats up every body, its your boy Gilby the engie throwing out some critical hits like a Phlog pyro rushing thru a Double cross server, good luck capping with that guy around, total tryhard such a tryhard. Anyway some of you have been asking, Gilby is the only game you play TF2, you always talk about it. Good question, well answer being that NO I play some other games to including Among us for PC and mobel phone. Wow this game is great so great, I log on as GilbytheEngie and pick the Red space man whenever I can cause he looks like Engie, yeeeeeeehaw. Dang playing as imposter is hard, how do you kill people and get away with it, talk about a challange. Reminds me of the video "Heavy is dead" where Engie kills Heavy and has to play dumb, all the other mercs are going "the Heavy is dead? the Heavy is dead!" and Engie plays dumb and Demo man drinks scotch and Spy goes off to hang himself, haha well you'd have to watch it to get it the point being that Among us is a game for smart people and if thats not your speed thats ok, now enjoy the chapisode.

Ms Pallings Honda Corolla hauling butt down the road as red and blue lights flashing in the reer view mirror, dang the mercs just barely got out of there before the cops showed up, Chris definitely would not of had enough NBC money to explain Grey Mann’s slished and slashed throat. All the mercs are doing there things, as was listed in “MEET THE PAPA” so go back and read that for more details. Speaking of Papa the car pulls back into the Papas place that the mercs have now made there de-factor base of operations, tromping in they all order the usual stuff which was also listed back in “MEET THE PAPA” so go back and read that if you want to know what they got, yes Demoman still likes sheep weiner it’s a scotch thing. Gathering around at a table near the back of the restaurant where its cold and dark and there are old arcade machines from the 80s like Punch Out and Mario (not Super Mario just Mario), the mercs start to eat as they discuss the prevous raid. “Well that couldve gone better” Sniper says peeing into a jar under the table, come on bro the bathroom is right over there. “At least dat joick Gray Man is dead,” Scout quipping “now we can go back to killing blue people for fun instead of blue robots which are not as fun to kill and shoot to death.” Scout saying. Soldier scratching his butt suddenly coughing as he took a bite of his peetzer, cooking a brow Cris Handson asks “what’s wrong Solly, rotten pepperoni?” And clearing his throat Soldier says “No sir Chris sir, I just have caught a cold from that Gray mann maggot, he probably had corona that’s why he died.” Nodding at each other the mercs go back to eating their peetz and Cris goes back to kissing Ms Palling like they normally do and Scout looks jelly at them, dang scout shoulda brought a bucket of chickne.

“Well some good news guys” Ms palling says between getting tong punched in the mouth by Chris handsen “we can conferm the death of Blu team memeber #1 Gray mann now finally worm poop in the ground like his bros Redmend and Blutark, meaning theirs only 8 blue teamers to go.” Suddenly whoshing and whishing behind Ms palling is something gross and green and greesy and nasty and more, wow what is that, did Pyro use gas passer again? (Not the gas can, Pyros butt gets musical when eating that Papas goodness.) Now with a mwahahaha coming outta nowhere with magic peperoni auras is none other then the un dead ghost of Papa john shnatter himself! “Why hello there,” Papa winks at Demo man before dropping a n-bomb so big that even the white mercs felt offended, dang thats like 7 out of 9 members, or maybe 8 who knows what’s under Pyros suit (other then pizza farts). Demo man scoughing “wot the bloody heck, your dead mate!” and swings Nessies 9 iron his fav golf club he uses to beat the other mercs, at golf. However (get ready for this one) the golf club goes right through PJ Schnadder like his pizza goes trough me, that is to say really fast cause its lacking in fiber value. “Mwahahahaha I have come to haunt you!” Papa whiffing there pizza glomps it down, screwed up now the mercs have starving. “As a ghost I see youre spirits for what they really are… oh wow what a suprise, seems like Blu spy kidnapped one of you and replaces you in secret! Cant say who though so get fricked you (racist words)!” Now floating to the nearby Papas oven “now it’s off to the Cal-zone for me, have fun with this poopy pizza cause manedgement ruins it after they fired me.” Then before vanishing “Political corectness my butt!”, ok now he is gone for good, until next time, dang he is miserable so miserable, also holy shick one of the Red mercs is the Blue spy, how is this possible.

Wiping out his rocket launcher Solly jumps on the table and is ready to rain down heckfire on the mercs. “WHICH ONE OF YOU MAGGOTS IS THE IMPOSTER!!!” he yelling and Scout laughs because he plays Among us the hit indie game on PC, yeah hes a gamer, hes always playing among us late at night and getting worked up because hes always the imposter and hes always getting caught and then gets really close to saying some mean racial words but Demonman’s in the room sleeping so he just has to sit and suffer, dang its almost as bad as Modren Warfare too lobbies. Anyway Chris rising his hands says “now Soldier lets just calm down, we just need to not panic and re-group as a group and get all our ducks in a row as they say.” Chufing Solly steps down from the table nearly slipping on some peetz grease as the Red Spy (definitely not the blue spy) is standing up and clearing his throat. “Gentlemen I knew something was wrong earlier at zee sting house and now zis has been confirmed to us,” he says pulling out a cig and lighting it up, dang he’s going to die from lung cancer, “but as our friend the Hansen said we cannot panic, we must think about zis ratienally and dedoose who is the spy among us” Scout chucking as Spy says the name of the funny game, Demo man beans him wit his boddle and then asks “why dont we just have Pyro spy check us all like we usually do?” And Pyro hearing his name gets his flamethrower ready but in a panic Ms Pauling says “Wait Pyro, we can’t do that it’d be friendly fire and we cant do that unless we’re fighting in Twofort” And depressed Pyro sits down with a sound like a whoop-ee-cush-onn, needless to say its a big ol parp. “We need to get back to the base so we can think this through and get to the bottom of this mystery.” Nodding in agreement the mercs all walking out leaving there unfinished peetz on the table for the workers to clean up, its their restaurant their mess. As the mercs walking out the door Medic stops and smiling evilly turns around to reveal his Vita-Saw weapon, with a evil glint in his glasses he goes walking to the car, uhhhh……..


	11. MEET THE CRACKDOWN (PART 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys Gilby the Engie main here (new nick name I came up with, remind you of anyone) today to deliver another piping hot slice of Mercs Paradise Blood on Hansens Hands, just like Papa John Shnadder comes to deliver a pippin hot slice of Papa's peetz to your face, but unlike Papa I wont call you the n-word. Any way today I learned that China and Russia are hacking the US and doing things like screwing up election results and stealing nuke codes, wow thats so messed up, so messed up. Cant believe people can just hack each other so easy, do they have crazy spy tech like Spy's sapper in TF2? I bet they do and they just dont let us see it, thats my leading theory and now watch it will be proven true in doo time. Yep they will definitely find out that the Chinese Russians hacked the election to steal it from Joe Jorgansen and give it to the other Joe who is not Jorgansen and is also a son of a cussing cuss word (solly ref). any way that's interesting and you might see some inspiration in todays chapisode, anyway enjoy the chapisode.

Ok so the setting is the dark basement seller area (enterragation room) of Double cross and in the sewers Scout sits hand cuffed at a desk as the lamp swings above him, he is shaking and crying and peeing and maybe even doing a little bit of pooping in his pants, why you may ask well its cause Chris hansan stands in front of him (spookily) smirking and crunching the Capn crunch cereal down in a scary sorta way, how that even works, I dont know but its scary scary stuff, with a bite Crunch dust sprenkles onto Scouts shurt making him almost scream in scared. “Now scout” Chris says rocking the lamp around in a spooky sorta way “is it true your the Blu spy, tell the truth or its off for water boarding for you.” Scouts eyes popping (not explodeing but getting wide “Oh heeeyyy hey I love water bording like with the jet skees right?” Chris smacks Scout across the fac with a roll up newspaper then crushed his face on the pavement, Scout says oh lord just like Lee greer when it happens (best Chris hanson episode, look it up). “Now Blu spy you should know were not fricking around here so cut the bull poop. The other mercs tell me you were checking out a 12 year old, so so nasty, it cant be under stated how sus you look now” and Scout pipping back “oh you mean Ms palling, yeah Meramsum thot she looked 12.” Chris cussing cuss words under his breathes now chokes Scout by his neck as cereal dust falling from his ears lands in Scouts whining crying and shreeking mouth, feels good, whos nuts are chuckled now. “Anyway can I go water bording now” Scout saying between cries, yep its as Hansen hoped, this Scout is too stupid to not be the real deal. Now saying filthy words to himself Chris walks away as Scout grows nasty thinking to him self as he leaves the irrigation room, if Chris thinks Palling looks 12 and is always kissing and hugging and smoching and maybe even humping Ms palling then what if Chris is the pedo Blu spy. “Aw frick I gotta tell the other mercs,” Scout triple jumping away with atomizer is now off to spread dangereus rumors, remember kids rumors aren’t cool they could make you look a fool. Now off to the next intarragation.

Ok well to be honest with you I was going to write scenes for the other eight mercs getting irrigated but I came up with something better as I was typing this so Im gonna roll with that, anyway Scout now bursting down the door into the spawn room where all the other Mercs every one looks at him with suspishon in there eyes, the fact that he is still hand ccuffed does not do him any favors. “GUYS Chris Hansen is the Blu Spy!” Scout saying and immediately he is beaned by Engie with a scow. “Scout you say some dumb crap some times but what you just said is even the stupidest, real real stupid son.” And picking Scout up he beans him again just to get the point across “Oh my gosh Engie just listen to me, Chris Hansen is the Blue spy and I can prove it to!” Now cookin their eyebrows Scout walks over to a near by computer screen and turns it on with his foot (still cuffed), now activating the screen shows Chris handsen sitting in the interrogation room alone reveiwing tapes of the mercs to check for enconsistensies, he seems hard at work. The mercs gathering around watch as Chris watches but then turns the moniter to something else, what??? Yes he is closing the videos and opening a secret folder on his desktop, typing in a secret password he gains access to the file and looks into it and now the mercs are dropping there jaws. Inside is pictures of little girls in scandaless positions, some of them not even whereing any pants. Sniper is about to faint as Chris smirks evilly looking through the folder and smirking, can anyone believe this crap? “SEE!” Scout exclaims as Chris now reaching into his pants “Look at him, hes a pedo and that means he’s the blue spy!” Heavy mutters “oh my God” and grabs his gun Sasha, the mercs are gearing up to go give the imposter Chris a “sting” of his own.

Now the spawn room is empty and (get a load of this) apearing from out of nowhere is the Blu spy himself, yes thats right the real Blu spy how the heck did this happen. Now walking up to the computer sure enough the sapper he put on it is sapping like no ones business, thats how much sappings its doing its sapping to the extreme. Now doing the laugh taunt the video files on the laptop are doing more corrupting, fricked up. Hopping on walky talky blu Spy says in a french sort of way while honh honhing “Thank you liberal (Spy says this after telaporting in the game, no idea why) Uncle dane this is one fricked up video hacking sapper you made for me” and on the other end of the walky talky Dane says back “Any time Blue spy, this same virus technologie I used to hack Youtube into giving me 1000s and 1000s of subscribers”, that was funny so fricking funny to them they both laugh taunt again then the walky talkys go back in there pockets, oh yeah their aussie walkys by the way. Now back to the Red mercs, they bust into the integration room and go to beat Chris into tomato paste (blood), Scout uses atomizer and Pyro uses Power jack and Heavy hits hansen in the back with holiday punch but nobodies laughing now. There is so much beatage happening you can hardly see all the mercs, who knows maybe they are not even all here, Chris saying “wait guys its not what it looks like!” Opening his computer it is clear there is no kiddie video folder on here, not even regular videos either, nope just Chris hansens case files on local pedos and NBC and even Captain crunch. “What the hey, our survalance videos must of got hacked with a video hacking sapper,” wow maybe Scout isnt so stupid after all. Heavy grunting “so we still got problem.” Dang what will the mercs do now.

Mean while somewhere else in the base Medics got his Vita saw out laughing and cacking like a crazy guy, wow wonder what his deal is....


	12. MEET THE CRACKDOWN (PART 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey merky crew, Gilby the engie main here with a few updates. So Shu does not want to go on date with me yet cause she says we may have bad politics arguements, and wow I gotta say this had me shook, thats right so shook, I thought she would become Libreatarean by this point but it seems she still beleives the liberal lies that Joe bidden won the election fair and square, I need to tell my daddio about this. Also I played alot of Smissmas maps in Tf2 like Pier and snowfall and Snowville and even one called Wutville, quick question tho, how the frick did Wutville get in the game, it is buggy and glitchy and laggy and all sorts of bad bad things, like really bad things, it can't be under stated just how bad and glitchy this map is. Theres no way this map got voted into TF2, unless its like Joe bidden and someone rigged it to get it in, what a friiiiicking joke. Wutville, more like Howville as in how did this get in, oh well guess you got to put up with the Little ceasers to get to the Papa johns (metaphors), enjoy the chapisode.

Now standing up from the ground beated and battered to heck and back is Chris Hansen who is scowing at the mercs for there distrust of him, he cant believe for even a moment that they would think he was the imposter blue spy! Treachery, just treachery, well now the mercs are looking all sad and sappy with those puppy dog eyes but those croc tears wont fix the cuts and scraps and black eyes on Cris now will they. “Well sense you are all here,” Chris saying as he tightens his tie, “I guess we will continue the interigations” and now snapping his fingers the walls open revealing a metric poopton of camras, there are camras every where behind bricks in the floor in drains in the lamp and there is even one in Scouts hat, yeah thats still there but scout is a dumby so he hasnt noticed. “Now who wants to go next,” Chris says with that trade marked smirk now coming back to his face, he knows this is gonna be good, and with no one volunterring he points forward at Sniper who is turned and peeing into a nother jar, wow dude how much do you even drink. “Sniper,” Chris saying “your next.” Now zipping up his fly the Sniper turns around and gulps saying “ah’kay mate” and sitting down in the chair as Chris sits down and begins talking spooky again. “So Sniper, are you the blu spy” “Nah” Sniper says with shaky voice, hmmmmm sounds real sus to me. “Oh is that so,” Chris smirking and then pulling out his trump card, a huge stack of magazines with pictures of little girls on the front. “Then how do you explain this????” And now sniper is peeing but this time not into a jar but into his pants.

FLASHBACK (screen waves around and fades)

“Yeeeeeeehaw”! It is thirty minutes ago and the Engie is in the Engineering work shop, this is where other people in the city of Toofort make all sorts of weapons taunts unusuals maps and more to add to the offecial Mann co catalogue and best of all Engies in charge of choosing what gets in and what doesnt. Now doing Rancho relaxo and looking at all the sumissions Engie is so relaxed as he approves of alot of new taunts, you won’t believe this crap these are going to be so good. However Engie is having so much fun that he drinks not one not two but ten Texas brand beers, meaning he is drunker then a divorced man at a bar and Engie accidentally checks off the paper work for a new map called “Wutville”, oh shick this was a mistake. Engie realising he fricked up big time chases the paperwork done the convayer belt, that’s how it works by the way, but wait whats that outside the workshop. Thats right, it’s… another red Engie??? How could this happen, the other one is rummidging about in the Snipers bunk and opening his night stand and putting something in and closing his night stand, real sus and by the time the real Red engie gets there the fake Red engie is gone! 

“Aw heck” and as he opens the night stand he sees the girly girl magazine, Chris handsen is behind him. “Interesting evidence you just found Engie,” he says “do you think Sniper is the Blu spy???”

CUT TO PRESENT (no more wavy screen)

“Mr. hanson I think Red sniper is innosent, this was planted by someone disguised as me, the Red engie.” Engie looks around and from a nearby window… aha there he is, another Red engine and he’s making a run for it. The mercs all scoughing and getting ready there guns and missle launchers and melees and more, looks like the hunts on and Sniper is releaved, not just cause his name is cleared but cause he releaved himself in his pants, gross dude get some new trousers stat.

Now rocketing from the room is all the mercs and they are chasing after the imposter Red engie who is susser than a jar of hot sus, if you get what I mean, and the mercs roaring in anger are firing every witch way to stop him. Scout throwing his mad milk (non milk substence) covers the red engie with the sticky white stuff and as it is dripping off him the mercs now know for sure, yes this is the one theyre after. Banking left engie runs up the stairs and out of the red base and onto the big bridge in Doubel cross, good thing there are no blue snipers out because they moved out of the blu base to go to Papa Johns, so now there are no more cheating camping stupid dumb stupid stinky camping snipers setting up shop and wracking up heads like it a black friday sale at the Mann Co store. Anyway the real red sniper standing up and firing his Syndey Sleeper (pee gun), the dart hits the fake engie right in the leg and he falling down as pee begins to leak and mix with scouts milk, disgusting actually vilely disgusting. Before he can get up Heavy stomping a foot onto his chest and now he is stuck, GG blue spy (that means good game but of course it is not actually a good game this time). Chris Handsen smirking walks up and stairs down at the imposter, got you now punk. “Got you now punk,” Hansen saying with smugness, “now lets see who you really are” and grabbing the fake engies head he rips the disguise off knowing who will be underneath, but then there are gasps from all the mercs.

It is not blue spy underneath but instead a very red and unhappy Red Spy.

Back in the red base Medic is hacking away with his Vita-Saw sending blood on the walls, and he is looking down at something too, is that a disgusie kit????


End file.
